***UPDATE: 11:21 a.m., MST. I am eating Meal #2 of my last day on Earth.  It’s delicious {I went with a wrap instead of a sub, but I’m doing my best to open my mouth as wide as humanly possible}.

I’ll miss straws when I’m dead.

And, just to clarify, Poor Kyle was out of town, but now he’s back.  He did not leave me to fend for myself.  He’s a good man.  That is all.***

You might recall how terrified I am to get my wisdom teeth removed.  Actually, it started out being that I was only afraid of the post-op, and the ensuing massive holes in my face (holes the perfect sized to lodge a pea—gross!).  But I’ve now officially worked up a solid dread of the entire process.  It’s going to be bad, from beginning to end.  I’m sure of it…

First off, I have to starve myself 12 hours prior to the surgery.  Starting at 7:30 p.m. tonight.  Then, my surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. Friday morning…as in…Friday the 13th.  Seven a.m. is bad enough on a normal day, but Friday the 13th?  I’m going to die.  Moreover, I am now afraid of anesthesia, because, get this:  I’m worried I’ll lose control of my faculties and pee myself while I’m laying unconscious on the operating table. Is that even possible?  If it is, it will happen to me.  But of course I don’t want a catheter, because who in their right mind wants a catheter?

I’m pretty much in hysterics all the time these days.

In an attempt to get a hold of myself, I went out and bought lots of mushy food for my recovery—apple sauce, anyone?  I’ve also decided that tomorrow, being my last day on earth, I am going to eat all the things I won’t be able to after the surgery (should I live through it, that is).  For breakfast I’m having crunchy granola and an ice cold fruit smoothie (eaten by straw).  For lunch I’m having Sun Chips™ and a 6″ tall sub sandwich (because they say I won’t be able to open my mouth more than a finger’s width after surgery), and an ice cold Diet Coke™ (via straw).  Snacks will be anything crispy I can find, and for dinner (at 7:00 p.m. [gotta make it last]), I’ll have a burger and fries.  Not because burgers and fries are contraband post-op; but if it’s my last meal on earth, I want it to be a burger and fries.  Make it a large order of fries.

The only good thing I see out of all this is that, should I make it through alive, I’ll probably lose a good five pounds simply by subsisting solely on apple sauce and mashed potatoes for a week.  And I’ll lose at least 1/16 pound in actual tooth tissue, according to this lady.  It’s not much, but I’ll take it.

Oh well.  I keep telling myself that I will survive.  I say it all the time.  In fact, I’ve said it so often, I decided to make a movie of it for you.  But then I remembered Poor Kyle has my only means of motion-picture filming, and he’s out of town, so I couldn’t do a movie.  Bummer.  Don’t worry, though:  I did a slideshow instead.  Here’s what you do:

Step 1: Push play on the embedded YouTube™ video.  Wait until the band, Cake, introduces the song.  Proceed to Step 2.

Step 2: Scroll down and read the lyrics along with Cake’s song.

Step 3: Feel sorry for me.  (That’s all I really want in life, you know.)

Enjoy!

How To Survive a Wisdom Tooth (or Four) Removal
By: Me {and Cake}

First I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live…

Without you by my side

But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong

I grew strong—I learned how to carry on!

And so you’re back from outer space;
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
You’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door; just turn around now
‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore…

Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
You think I’d crumble?
You think I’d lay down and die?

Oh no, not I!  I will survive!
As long as I know how to love
I know I’ll stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
and I’ll survive
I will survive!

CAST
Me…………………………………………..Me
Wisdom Tooth…Himself (image from here)

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