**Updated to add: Apparently, when closing my comments, it is necessary to click that option every time I post.  The comments are still closed, but Lauren squeezed one in before I realised my error.  You can all read it—it’s a lovely comment, and thanks, Lauren, for leaving it—but they are now closed.  Sorry for the confusion.***

It has come to my attention that I am a fashion ignoramus.

I mean, I’ve always known I am not trendy—I don’t have any sort of motivation to exhaust myself by keeping up with “what’s hot and what’s not.”  I feel tired—literally, sleepy—after reading one fashion magazine, but there are people who devote their lives, their ENTIRE LIVES, to the gods of fashion.

And I understand how important it is to look nice, pretty, presentable, whatever.  To look good, right?  I can see the value in that.  But apparently, looking nice is SO last year, and therefore, my already-limited style knowledge is completely null and void.

Because SERIOUSLY?  THESE FASHION BLOGS I HAVE STUMBLED UPON LATELY?

I don’t get them. Is there some sort of unwritten fashion rule that says in order to be truly fashion-forward, you must start a blog and—at some point—post photos of totally nekkid women that you find inspiring?  Because that seems to be a recurring theme among these female fashion bloggers.

But more than just the nekkid women posts, the blogs are just plain confusing.

First, there’s Luxirare.  Probably of all the fashion blogs, Luxirare is the one I understand the most, which is saying a lot because this:

This, I do not get. Okay, okay, so she designs and creates all her own clothes, and she really does do some pretty amazing things with food, but as far as the fashion goes?  I would never wear that.  And moreover, I don’t think it’s very inspired, as so many people are swearing up and down on their mothers’ souls.  As for me, my mother deserves better than that.  Image from here.

But at least she lives in New York and has a right to be a little eccentric.

…the same cannot be said for Jane Aldridge from Sea of Shoes, who is a senior in high school living in Texas with her parents.  Pictured here (image from her blog), she is wearing a red sequined sweater that looks exactly like one I had back in 1989—I wore it to get pictures on Santa’s lap one Christmas, and if I’d known how trendy it would be twenty years later, I totally wouldn’t have let it shrink in the dryer.

But aside from her red sweater, Jane usually does have some cool-looking outfits to showcase.  The problem is that…she’s just…UNRELATABLE.  Her most recent post, for example, documented how she and her mom rushed right over to Neiman Marcus because the sales associate there had called to let them know the new Proenza boots were in, and would Miss Aldridge like to set an appointment to see them?  HELLO, YES!  So in a rush, she throws together an outfit comprised of fantastic Margiela boots she’d gotten in New York last month on sale for only $180!!!, plus a vintage Adolfo hand-painted leather skirt her mom scored from eBay™, and an orange turtleneck—the perfect combination for a lovely day at Neiman Marcus.  Once there, they couldn’t resist a pair or two of the Proenzas, plus a pair of Louboutins for good measure, and by the end of the post which also may or may not have mentioned some amazing Guccis made of industrial-strength leather, I was all WHAT THE EFF IS GOING ON HERE?  When I was a senior in high school, my sister and I split the cost of one pair of Doc Martins between the two of us because they were quite expensive, and they were, like, $30.00 at Savers.  {That’s a thrift store, for those of you in Texas who are on a first-name basis with both Neiman AND Marcus.}

I mean, I’ve heard of Gucci and Louboutin {what good English major hasn’t read The Devil Wears Prada and Bergdorf Blondes?}, but Proenza?  Margiela?  Are you kidding me?  Her mom couldn’t resist this pair of pony hair leopard print Louboutin boots:

With a price tag of $1,375.00.

And I’m all, I know it would be really hard to try and resist such a stunning pair of poopoo-caca shoes, but ONE THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS really is a *bit* more than I was planning on spending today, Neiman.  Perhaps next week after I’VE VOMITED UP ALL THE GROCERIES I’VE CONSUMED SINCE THE DAY WAS BORN, TAKEN THEM BACK TO GROCERY OUTLET™ WITH MY ORIGINAL RECEIPTS, AND RETURNED THEM FOR A FULL CASH REFUND…maybe then I’ll be back to buy the leopard boots.

Inasmuch as the $1,375.00 pair of shoes were only an impulse buy/secondary purchase and not the true goal of the shopping adventure, I cannot even FATHOM the final bill of that shopping trip.  It would have very likely funded my entire college education—plus an allowance for books, pens, and DDP—and I don’t mean just this semester.  Maybe I should get in good with that family and see if they’d be interested in donating to my scholarship fund.

Of course, I cannot begrudge a rich girl just because she’s rich.  You know?  If I was rich, I’d probably blog about Neiman and Marcus, too, and all the good times we have getting fitted for custom-made Chanel dresses on an all-expenses paid trip to Paris.  {By the way, have you ever noticed how it’s always the rich people who get free stuff?  Hello, they can afford to fly to Paris for a quick weekend getaway—GIVE THE FREE STUFF TO ME!  POVERTY-STRICKEN ME!  I DESERVE PARIS FOR FREE!}  It’s just…I’m not rich.  I’m jealous.  Really, of the three of the bloggers I’m talking about today, Jane does seem to have the best grasp on how to look presentable in public.

Unfortunately, that statement does not apply to 13 year-old Tavi, author of Style Rookie, toast of seven continents and inspiration to every fashion guru walking the earth at this very moment.  Tavi has become hugely popular as of late, and has recently been featured in all kinds of fashion magazines, hailed by designers and models alike as the greatest inspiration to fashion since who-knows-what (I’m a fashion idiot, remember?), and I’m not even kidding: I just spent two hours on her blog reading post after post after post trying to figure out whether or not this is an enormous joke that the entire internet is playing on ME, like there’s someone who’s gonna jump out with googly eyes when I click the next link and say, “APRIL FOOL’S!”  Because this is what Tavi wears:

All images from Style Rookie.

And I DO NOT GET IT.  I mean, is that it? All I had to do to become a world-renowned blogger was to continue dressing as a three year-old all through junior high and high school?  Dang, how EASY.  And at first I felt bad saying that, because really, she’s only 13, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, and then I thought YES!  THAT’S IT!  THAT’S why everyone is making all the fuss—NOBODY WANTS TO HURT HER FEELINGS.

Even still, I do feel bad, because I think I would really like her if I met her (not that she would like me, after all I’m saying about her style).  I mean, I respect any person with the confidence to wear crap like that, I really do.  She really does employ some witty humour, and her sense of self seems solid as a rock.  Plus, she sounds amazingly smart for someone so…young.  She walks around saying things like, “I know Louis Vuitton was ridiculous but I can’t bring myself to hate it,” and people who say stuff like that are guaranteed to land a sweet job at some amazing magazine in New York by the time they’re 18, so really, I should just jump on the bandwagon and agree with everyone that she’s amazing.  She’ll probably be the president of the United States in 20 years, and then I’ll be sorry.

But not really, because here’s my thought: BLOG.  Blog away, if you want, Tavi.  Blog about life, about friends, school, your clothes.  Blog, blog, blog.  But DON’T mess with my brain and get everyone to say how inspired your outfits are when in actuality, I wore the same thing for every Halloween from 1998 to 2001—those pivotal years of my life when I thought it was HILARIOUS to dress up as a bag lady slash hobo.

It hurts my head.  It makes me confused.  I don’t know what’s up from down anymore.  So wait—SHOULD I wear every headband in my accessories drawer on my one head today?  According to Tavi and, apparently, the rest of the world, yes.

Resoundingly.  Yes.

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