What to do for an itchy ear

My right ear’s day started normally enough. Woke up, heard things, the usual…

Happy Regular EarLittle did it know there was evil lurking just moments away…

…evil in the form of an Itch.

20120415-221638.jpgAt first it was only a little itchy…Start of an itchy ear2Then it got a little worse…

start of an itchy earAnd after a few hours it had completely taken over my life:

debilitating itchy earIt was official: I had an Itch in my right ear.

No, that doesn’t do my condition justice.

MY EAR WAS EFFING ITCHY. Not on the outside earlobe like from a pimple or a bee sting—but deep, deep inside my ear canal. Deep in the ear depths that no sane Q-tip or pinky finger could ever dream of delving.

Can you imagine the misery of such an Itch? Eternally unscratchable. Ruthless. Debilitating.

My every thought revolved around the Itch. I couldn’t carry on a conversation because all I could think about was getting away from people so I could scratch the Itch.

It became my one and only purpose in life: What Can I Use to Scratch This Itch?

Of course I tried Q-tips which, I am certain, made my problem much worse. I am always really careful with Q-tips not to go too deep because I’m hard of hearing as it is (and practically legally blind too, yay for disabilities!) and the last thing I need in life is a busted eardrum to boot. So I didn’t go nearly as deep with the Q-tip as my Itch required, but I still Q-tipped vigorously enough to (I suspect) scratch the inside of my ear with the tiny cotton fibers.

Q-tips make everything worseOf course, I don’t know for sure if that’s what happened. I’m no doctor. All I know is that after I Q-tipped the Itch became impossibly more itchy.

It was taking over.

High on its success, the Itch soon implemented Phase Two in its plot to destroy my life: MIND CONTROL. It began planting sinister thoughts in my head in an effort to convince me that there had never been a time when the Itch wasn’t my supreme ruler.

it's always been this way itchy earI’m ashamed to admit it, but before long I began to succumb to the brainwashing. I started to forget what a normal ear felt like. I teetered on the edge of total despair, weak and impressionable and very nearly doomed.

My right ear was under siege. It was a bloody reign of aural terror.

Hope seemed utterly lost. I laid on the couch, beaten, my right ear pressed against a throw pillow, sagging in hopeless acceptance, when suddenly (no doubt spurred on by my left ear, which was tired of the histrionics) it occurred to me: I had two unburned Hippie Ear Candles in my hall closet left over from the last time I tried to be a hippie.

Flaming Hippie Ear CandleI prepped the paper plate and arranged myself horizontally on the living room floor. Poor Kyle lit the candle and I gave in to the chills as the fire crackled down the hollow candle and tickled my ear (a delicious change from the mind-numbing Itch I’d lived with all day).

Seven minutes later the candle had finished with me and as I unwrapped it to see what had come out of my ear I realised a glorious thing:
Flaming Hippie Ear Candle Saves the DayThe Itch was gone.

Posted in blogger finger, Green Living, how-to, It's All Good, thisandthat, woe is me | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Teaser.

Writing a book is turning out to be hard, but I think the hardest part is going to be withholding all the stuff I’m writing before my book is finished. It feels impossible to refrain from posting it here now that I’m finally writing again. I SO want to share it with you guys. I don’t want to hold out on you, especially now that I’m on a twelve-day writing streak, which feels more like a hundred-day writing streak in light of the very very dry writing spell I had for the last twelve months. I’ve been radio silent here for so long that I want to post every day, twice a day, to make up for my past year of meh-ness.

But I HAVE to withhold because not only do I worry that somebody will try to steal my great ideas, but also because sharing it would leave no reason for anyone to want to buy my book since they could read it all for free online.

So then I was just going to post some of my favourite bits, but I talked myself out of doing even that for fear that I’ll give away the best parts and you’ll all be disappointed when you DO read the book because the highlights will already be familiar. (Just like when you watch a trailer for a movie and it looks excellent but then you go to see the movie [feeling compelled to spend money on it BECAUSE of how good it looked in the trailer], only to find that all the best parts were already IN the trailer and you saw that for free online, so then you feel completely gypped and personally affronted by the makers of both the movie and the trailer and also the people who popped the popcorn that night because now that you think of it, it tasted a little burny.)

I would hate for that to happen to you. (And to me.) (And to my book.)

So I am going to be strong and keep my cards close.

But I WILL give you this:

And guess what else?

I think my book is going to be really good.

 

Posted in awesome., what I'm about, Writing a Book | 4 Comments

Life

You know what life is like?

Life is like popping a pimple.

Observe:

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Sometimes you’re the mirror and sometimes you’re the nasty crap inside.

To be honest I don’t know which is worse: to be the nasty crap inside or to be nasty-crap-insided on.

That’s another way this analogy works: life is like popping a pimple and whether you’re the mirror or the pimple juice it just sucks to be you.

There’s my positive thought for the day.

Posted in awesome., It's All Good, mediocrity | Tagged , | 3 Comments

Please don’t laugh

But I’ve decided to write a book about marriage.

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I am smiling but this is not a joke.

Well, it IS a joke. But I’m still going to do it.

I tried and tried to write a novel but my imagination is kind of like something that fails terribly under pressure, and nothing is more pressuring than saying, IMAGINE, NOW.

I couldn’t handle it.

But then as I was sitting there in front of my laptop with the blank page and the blinking cursor I thought, writing a blog post is never this hard. I should just write a book like I write my blog.

But I have never been able to settle in to a THEME for my blog, which in my opinion is why it’s never gotten very famous. (Heaven forbid I entertain the notion that I’m simply NOT GOOD ENOUGH A BLOGGER TO BE FAMOUS, oh no…)

There was no way I could doom my unwritten book to the same failed state as my blog.

So I decided then and there that if I needed a theme, a theme I would have and it would be marriage.

I laughed about the irony for a second but then an idea for a chapter popped into my head. And before I could finish writing it down another two chapters began flowing out of my fingers.

2 hours later I couldn’t remember a time that I HADN’T wanted to write a book about marriage.

Posted in awesome., Book Reports, It's All Good, Married Life, mondays suck, oh brother what next, Poor Kyle | Tagged , | 9 Comments

Seville the Second

This is an update of the amazing trip I took to Europe last summer. Slowly but surely I’m posting about every day I spent on that excellent continent. To read earlier updates, click herehereherehereherehereherehere and here. And here. And here and here and here and here and here and here.

•••••••

You know how sometimes you get married and you don’t write your thank-you notes for your wedding gifts within the 3-month time frame that Martha Stewart Living tells you is mandatory so then you sort of just…never write them? But you always harbor the thought in the back of your mind that someday you will? It will be like, a hilarious 10-year anniversary activity, sending out thank-you notes to all the people who gave you a wedding gift a decade ago?

No?

Oh. Me either.

But if I DID know what that felt like, I’d think it feels a lot like how I went on an epic trip of a lifetime last summer and never finished blogging about it, and how guilty I’ve felt for the last 8 months of failurehood.

So today I’m going to start finishing that series of posts.

If you forgot how it all started (as you surely did because I even forgot and I was on the trip), please feel free to refresh the ol’ memory here.

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So on my first day in Seville (where I’d invited myself to stay with Chloe and MJ of My New Life as a Housewife notoriety) I met Chloe’s husband, MJ, and he took me to visit some cool ruins before getting to meet Chloe for the first time ever.

That was fun.

BUT THEN!

Then I got to meet Chloe, who by that time had gotten off work and was waiting for us at their house when we got there.

I’d been stressing for weeks about how to greet her when I finally met her in person (she, of course, had been a really good blog friend for 2 or 3 years by then), and still hadn’t decided what to do until the very second I saw her, when I just threw manners to the wind and gave her a great big hug. I thought it would be too weird just to shake her hand since we actually knew quite a lot about each other’s lives (via blogging), and I’m still no good at the airy-cool side-cheek kissing thing, so I just did a full-fledged hug and hoped I didn’t creep her out too much.

She admitted later she’d been worried about how to greet, too. That was comforting.

We hit it off instantly. That first night we had a delicious dinner (made by MJ) of a traditional Spanish corn omelet (kind of like what Americans think of as quiche), regional olives (SO GOOD), and I forgot what else. It was delicious and I am sure I ate more than my fair share. We talked and talked late into the evening. It was so awesome to be in a completely new country than I’d ever visited before; and even though I knew Chloe fairly well from her blog, there were still so many fascinating cultural differences we compared that I would’ve never learned about had I not met her in real life. (For example, in Spain [and most of Europe?] they wear their wedding rings on their right hand.)

It was delightful.

Now. This is where I’m really kicking myself for waiting so long to write this post: I honestly can’t remember exactly what we did next, or in what order. My time in Spain was so wonderful and I remember the highlights like it was yesterday, but by that point in my trip I’d stopped writing in my journal at the end of each day (stupid, stupid me), and it’s been months since I was there, so I’m not exactly sure I’ve gotten this in the right order. Chloe, if I get it wrong, please don’t feel bad!

Here’s what I do recall:

The next day MJ and Chloe took me around the most beautiful city centre of Seville, including the building pictured below that my nerdier blog readers might recognise from Star Wars (I don’t but I wish I did; I love Star Wars nerds):

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The detail of the tiles and columns pretty much speak for themselves:

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20110912-103808.jpgIn France I wore this dress with leggings and a cardigan and froze. In Spain it was the coolest thing I owned, yet I still wished I could’ve torn off the sleeves and shortened it another 8 inches because I was so hot. So so so hot. (Are you getting that it was hot in Spain?)

And in Canada I’m getting ready to give it to Goodwill because it looks like sh*t on me. It was a mistake buying it.

20110912-103823.jpgHere’s one of the few pictures Chloe and I got together. Looking back I wish we’d taken more but I know why I didn’t: I was so hot and sweaty the entire time; I looked like hell and didn’t want to document it. Plus look at what a big fat giant I am standing next to petite miss Chloe! Not only am 1.5 heads taller than her but also I’m 1.5 widths of her. (Side note: CHLOE, HOW WERE YOU WEARING JEANS???)

I can’t remember why, but at one point in the morning MJ split off from Chloe and me, so we had a chance for some quality girl talk. We walked through a (shaded!) park and talked all about how we each had met our husbands, the stress of our weddings, family drama, blog drama, and even our different reasons for not drinking (Chloe’s was much funnier than mine—you should write a post about it some time, Chloe!).

I never saw a single cloud the whole time I was in Spain, BTW.

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Later we went to this BREATHTAKING temple/garden called Alcatraz or Azkaban or something that starts with an A. Alhambra maybe? I could google it but it’s funnier to keep guessing:

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Whatever it was called, it was GORGEOUS (and also shady). I vaguely remember that part of Christopher Columbus’s remains were there somewhere, and it made me laugh because we Americans always kind of think of Christopher Columbus as our own personal historical figure and completely forget that he’s actually pretty much 100% Spain’s.

Sorry, Spain.

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It harkened back to Seville’s early Muslim (or was it Moroccan? Arabic? Are these all the same??) roots, which was neither something I knew ahead of time nor something I retained very well, clearly. But it was still lovely.

And then we wandered through this neighborhood of tiny narrow streets that were—wait for it—SHADY! It was at least 10° cooler in there and I never wanted to leave.

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Also noteworthy were the pig hocks hanging from the butcher shops in the city.

And on display in the Carrefoure (supermarket, similar to a Target with groceries):

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After that Chloe had to go to work so MJ and I toured Seville some more on foot.

We decided to try to find me some sandals to buy because all I had were white leather flats (which were really cute when I started the trip but got so filled with foot sweat after one day in Spain that my feet literally were slipping around in sloshy little sweat pools with every step I took [and quite frankly those shoes have never smelled right since; I threw them out as soon as I got home because I couldn’t stand the stench of them after that]). I never found quite what I was looking for but I did buy a $6.00 pair of plastic flip flops that at least helped the sweat air out a little bit (but sadly did nothing for either my physical appearance or my pediatric hygiene, given the fact that my feet were still sweaty and the streets of Spain are apparently dusty, see below):

20110912-104417.jpgI BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS EXAGGERATING ABOUT THE SWEAT POOLS.

MJ and I stopped for many water breaks and even one particularly delicious ice cream break that I still dream about today (my scoop of ice cream contained dark chocolate, cherries, and ROSE PETALS):

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At the ice cream shop there were magazines scattered on the tables and I couldn’t help but notice the Spanish’s prolific admiration of both J.Lo’s bum and the word “Aarg,” (which, MJ explained, is pronounced kind of like a cat purring and is loosely translated as hubba hubba):

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That evening when Chloe was finished with work we all met up with yet ANOTHER awesome blog friend, Irene (pronounced ee-DEHN-ay, not eye-REEN) for pizza:

20110912-104428.jpgWe only took this one picture together, so I cherish it because it’s precious, but I also hate it because I look so frumpy and sweaty and they both look like sexy European goddesses. But look at me posting it anyway! The martyrdom!

While at the restaurant I used the washroom (partly to pee and partly to wash my feet) and could not find a lever, button, cord, or handle of any sort with which to flush the toilet. I had to leave it, go back to the table, and ask for help. It was mortifying but we sorted it out in the end.

As much as Chloe is sweet and shy, Irene is fiesty and outgoing. And as instantly as I loved Chloe, I also loved Irene. I had a blast listening to their hilarious banter and found myself wishing (yet again), I’d been born European. Or at least had European relatives to visit. I was so excited to have real, live friends in such exotic locales. And that’s how I felt: like both Irene, and Chloe (and yes! MJ too!) were my real, live friends.

It was still light out at 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. when we started heading home. I loved that this particular town got together and put sun shades up over the streets. Shade is clearly very important to me, I learned in Spain.

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I was so tired by the end of the day that I literally collapsed into bed, which is what I feel like doing after writing this very long post about it.

The next day we hit the beach, where my dirty feet at least had a good excuse for being dirty, I slathered myself with so many reapplications of sunscreen that I was literally white from head to toe, and I had my first-ever experience seeing topless women sunning in real life.

Also: GYPSIES!

Stay tuned.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

This is an update of the amazing trip I took to Europe last summer. Slowly but surely I’m posting about every day I spent on that excellent continent. To read earlier updates, click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. And here. And here and here and here and here.

Posted in awesome., failures, It's All Good, looking back, mediocrity, on the road again, Travel | Tagged , | 8 Comments

I am blogging from a treadmill

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I nearly broke my arm trying to take this picture.

I set a goal for the month of march to exercise 30 minutes a day at least 4 days a week. Some of you are laughing out loud as you read this while running the 25th mile of your daily marathon.

Well screw you.

I hate exercise. I have hated it ever since I graduated from elementary school and PE became a required class.

The one surefire way to make me hate something is, of course, to make it mandatory. (Yes I was my parents’ least favourite child, why do you ask?)

Anyway, it’s only the first full week of march and already I am regretting my goal setting decision. Why couldn’t
I have set a fun goal, like eat an otter pop every day of the month or something? Who knows.

Nevertheless, 2012 is, for me, turning out to be a study in doing things I’d rather not do and turning out better for it.

I trust this experiment will end the same.

I trust.

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BATHROOM SCALE.

In other news, smartphones were a really good idea, yeah?

Posted in blogger finger, Cutting Back, health and vitality | Tagged | 3 Comments

Projected

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After Poor Kyle bought this house but before we were wed he purchased an alarm clock like the one pictured above (image from here).

I thought it was the stupidest thing in the world.

I mean, I’m lazy, but really? A digital clock projected onto the ceiling? Can’t be bothered to pick up your phone, eh? Or heaven forbid RAISE YOUR WRIST to check the time? It puts lazy to shame.

Nearly 5 years into our marriage, (eff I’m old), I often find myself disgusted with any ceiling that doesn’t have the time projected on it.

Posted in failures, It's All Good, Married Life, Poor Kyle | Tagged | 3 Comments