What I’m Reading: Month 2.2

As promised, here are my reviews of the two non-fiction books I read this month.

NON-FICTION:

Camilla, a Biography of Camilla Eyring Kimball by Edward L. Kimball and Caroline Eyring Miner

Camilla Kimball Biography

I am ashamed to say that I have owned this book for 23 years and have never read it. My parents gave it to my for my 4th birthday (per the inscription by my mother on the inside cover) because she (the wife of the twelfth President of the LDS Church) was the woman I was named after, and by the time I was old enough to read it I had seen it so frequently on my bookshelf that I didn’t even really think about it anymore. It had just always been there, a feature of my room like the light switch or the ceiling fan.

After I moved to Canada my mom sent it to me as a birthday present again (the ultimate regift—smooth, Mom!) partly to clean out my old room and partly, I suspect, to nudge me into being a better woman. Finally I dusted it off and read it this month, and found myself sorry I hadn’t read it sooner. Camilla Kimball was a pretty cool lady, and I am honoured even more than ever to be named after her.

One of my favourite parts was this, an excerpt from her journal:

A woman, to be well rounded in her personality, needs many experiences in and out of the home. She needs to be concerned with church, school, and community. If she buries herself inside four walls, she does not reach her potential.

I reread that paragraph three or four times. For quite a while now I have smugly told myself that I don’t need friends to be happy, and I don’t need to leave my house for anything but groceries and the occasional intercontinental voyage. I felt somehow better than other people for being perfectly content to stay home and never leave except for food and toilet paper. I don’t need to socialize. I don’t need anyone!

But when I read this, it struck me that although I am perfectly content to “bury [my]self inside four walls” and never leave the house, I am actually missing out on quite a lot that way, and worse: I’m preventing Hutch from experiencing the world. There are people who I can help, places that I can visit, and knowledge that I can gain if I choose to stop being so self-centred and just get out and do things. Maybe don’t feel the need to leave the house, but maybe there are people out there who need me to all the same.

In other words, I need to stop being such a dadgum snob.

Another part that cracked me up was when it mentioned that on a cruise with her husband (not then the president of our teetotaling church) Camilla tasted liquor just to know what it tasted like (though the authors made a point to mention that Spencer W. Kimball refrained).

Also: Did you know Camilla Kimball is related to Mitt Romney? #imaginethat

Final Score: 7/10

•••••••

Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman

Bringing Up Bebe I was intrigued by this book several years ago but, as I had no bébés of my own, I refrained from purchasing it. Now that I’m a mother, I couldn’t resist buying it on account of my weakness for all things French, especially all things French that I might be able to adopt as my own. Any thing that promises to make me more chic is a thing I must have. That it boasted to divulge all the secrets of raising a happy, restful, and well-behaved child was just a bonus.

The verdict? I loved it!

But I will warn you, this is not a book full of bullet points on parenting. Instead, Druckerman shares her own personal journey of raising children in Paris. It is part parenting book, part memoir. But for me, the mix was perfect. I found myself reading it in every spare moment I had, even (ironically) neglecting Hutch to do so. (But good news! According to this book, letting my six month old baby scoot around on the clean floor happily gurgling to himself while I read a book only feet away and always within view is *not* neglect, as many American parents might believe, but instead just healthy parenting.)

I found the French parents’ theories fascinating and committed almost immediately to use nearly all of them for myself as Hutch gets older and begins to need actual parenting (as opposed to just the basic necessities of life). I also kicked myself for not reading it before Hutch was born, as apparently most French parents teach their babies to sleep through the night at three months or earlier, and I could have saved myself hours of sleep months sooner. But c’est la vie.

This book meets my standard of “life changing” not necessarily because I can’t stop thinking about it, but because it just made such perfect, clear sense that I have already come to view it as “my way of parenting.” In other words, I don’t feel like I need to think about it constantly because it was so simple and obvious that I’ve already got it in my head.

Also, in reading it I was constantly reminded of my time nannying for a French family in Belgium, and now I have the most intense craving to go back you can’t even imagine.

My one fault with the book is that Druckerman herself says she struggles to parent the way she claims the French do, despite the fact that their way is arguably more effective than hers (at least in the effect of raising respectful, well-mannered children). The concepts themselves don’t seem difficult, so I don’t understand why she struggles. If she likes the French way so much better, why doesn’t she just do it?

Final Score: 9/10 (minus one point for not following her own advice)

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What I’m Reading: Month 2.1

I loved to read as a child/teenager/young adult, but once I became a full-time college student and majored in English Literature my daily reading load was so full I stopped reading anything extra (plus I enjoyed much of what I was reading so it was kind of like I was reading for fun anyway [the one great benefit of majoring in something that actually interests you]).

After I graduated and started working full time, I found my leisure hours even more taxed, and I ended up spending them on more mindless pursuits like laying in bed staring blankly at my iPhone until it was time to fall asleep. I was just too exhausted after work and housework to use my brain anymore. (That’s also why this blog fell to the wayside so majorly.)

And now. Now I have a baby and I’m staying at home to tend him. I am busier than ever before but it’s finally starting to occur to me that if I waste all my free hours vegging out then my mind is going to turn to mush. Not only will that make me a less-than-ideal parent, but also it just sounds lame. I don’t want to be a mush-for-brain. I want to be interesting and well-read.

So I set a goal to read more in 2014. Specifically, to read at least two books per month: one fiction, one non-fiction. Here’s what I read in January.

Well, I enjoyed my reignited reading so much in January that I upped my volume in February. I ended up reading three fiction and two non-fiction. But since five books seems like too many to review in one blog post, I’ll split it into two parts: fiction and non.

FICTION:

Time and Eternity by E. M. Tippetts

Time and Eternity by EM TippetsI hesitate to say mean things about books because someday I hope to be an author myself and I don’t want people to say mean things about my books; but I cannot lie. This book was bad.

It was pure fluff. It was a sappy Mormon romance novel, full stop. I knew that before I started it, but I was looking for something of a palette cleanser after the tenseness of Elizabeth Smart’s book, and this one was sitting in my bookcase on loan from a cousin so I decided to have at it.

I used to devour these kinds of books by the shelf full, but either the genre has gotten dumber or I have gotten smarter because this book was an epic waste of my time. The writing felt contrived, the characters’ conversations were awkward, and it was only a page-turner in the sense that I wanted to hurry and be done reading it.

Final Score: 1/10 (I gave it one point because hey, at least it was published which is more than I can say for any of my books.)

•••••••

Girl With a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

The Girl With The Pearl Earring

This book was just okay. It was another one I’ve been meaning to read for a few years at the recommendation (and loan) of my sister. I hoped to like it quite a lot because it combined two of my great passions: historical feminism and art history.

However, in the end it didn’t really do much for me. I felt like the story was just a bit too thin…I can’t really explain it other than it needed thickening up. The main character was unrelatable and kind of annoying.

Final Score: 3/10

•••••••

The Book Thief by Markus Zusask

The Book TheifBack when this book was published in 2007 I heard nothing but good things about it. I was intrigued by the idea of Death as the narrator, so I borrowed a copy and started reading it.

I couldn’t get past the first two pages (which is quite uncommon for me; I usually give books at least 50 pages before I give up, and even then it has to be really bad for me to give up because I still want to find out how they end).

I don’t know if I was just distracted or if I wasn’t in the right mindset, but seven years later I picked it up again (partly compelled by the trailer that came out for the movie based on this book, and partly just because it annoyed me that everyone else loved it when I did not), and I could not put it down.

I loved almost everything about it. I loved how it was laid out, how Death added snarky little asides every so often. I loved the chapter headings that kept me guessing, like “Three Acts of Stupidity by Rudy Steiner.” I loved how it said right from the start what the story was about: an attempt to prove that humanity can be good even despite all the horrible things we do to each other. I loved how even though I knew from page one it wasn’t going to end happily, Zusak still managed to keep me hoping for the best. Spoiler: the best didn’t happen.

But I don’t need a happy ending to love a book; I need to be moved, and The Book Thief was nothing if not moving. I felt like I was reading a poem on every page, and though in high school I professed to hate poetry of every kind (except limericks), in these my later years I have come to appreciate it (poetry) for the simple standalone beauty that it is, or at least can be. I have learned that I don’t need to understand what a poem “means” to appreciate it. I just need to understand how it makes me feel.

And this poem made me feel sad. But sadness is okay.

Just an example of my favourite bits:

A statue of the book thief stood in the courtyard….
It’s very rare, don’t you think, for a statue to appear
before its subject has become famous.

He could have just said that Liesel stood frozen like a statue in the courtyard, but he didn’t—he said it so much better!

I also liked that it reminded me of my poor grasp on world history. Obviously I learned the basics of World War II in school, but either I ignored or forgot many details of Hitler’s rise to power, which frustrated me while reading this book because I should have known (but couldn’t quite recall) several events mentioned throughout it. My gap in knowledge sent me down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia once I finished the book just to reconcile my spotty knowledge with what I’d just read. Once I finished re-educating myself I felt a lot better.

Final Score: 8/10 (Minus one point for finding a typo, and another because it wasn’t totally life-changing; I just really liked reading it.)

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What I’m Reading: Month 1

I set a lot of goals for the new year back on January 1, and even though I forgot most of them already (I need to dig up the paper I wrote them on and post it on my bathroom mirror), the one I was most excited about has not been forsaken: to read more in 2014.

More measurably, to read at least two books each month—one fiction, one non-fiction.

It occurred to me that other than childbirth books and baby-calming books, the main source of my reading material for the past year (or more) has been Facebook. I’m not saying I’m going to cut myself off of Facebook (though the time for that might come sooner or later), but I do want to be more meaningful about the things that I read. I bemoan the fact that I never have time to read anymore, but that’s simply not true. I read all the time, probably for at least several hours each day. It’s just that the content of what I read is such fluff that at the end of the day my brain feels emptier than it was before. Do I really need to take this quiz to see What Kind of Mormon I Am? Does it really matter if I read this article that I Won’t Believe How it Ends? Do I really care to see 50 Of the Funniest Memes of 2013?

No. It doesn’t matter. And most of it is crap. (Some of it isn’t, of course. But as a self-governing adult I am challenging myself to become more discerning of the valuable texts and less tempted by the nonsense.)

So what did I read in January?

FICTION(ish): Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh

IMG_4069I’m considering this book fiction even though the stories (originally conceived in blog format as seen on Brosh’s viral website) are technically true. But it’s riddled with cartoon drawings and the stories were so outrageous it felt like I was reading a popsicle—the pages melted away in quick deliciousness. I left it on the back of the toilet and finished it in four or five sessions, if you get my drift. I laughed out loud more than once. I cried a little bit too. I really liked it and highly recommend it.

Two caveats: 1) There is a fair bit of crude language, including F-bombs, so be warned. I personally think they add to the text and almost always found them quite funny. 2) The last story, “Identity Part Two,” got on my nerves. In it, Brosh is discussing how she likes to think of herself as a good person but deep down she knows she is sh*t, and it just goes on and on in this self-loathing way that just made me want to shake her and say “SO WHAT IF YOU’RE NOT GENUINELY GOOD, YOU’RE NOT KILLING PEOPLE SO JUST BE YOURSELF AND GET OVER IT!” What annoyed me most, I think, is that she seemed to think she was the only person in the world who is basically shiz inside.

A main part of the human experience is realising that true altruism is impossible to attain because even if we are doing nice things for no other reason than to feel good about ourselves, we are still doing nice things SO THAT WE FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES.  In other words, we are doing nice things for selfish reasons. But it’s still better than doing mean things.

Still a good read though.

NONFICTION: My Story by Elizabeth Smart

My Story by Elizabeth Smart

 

I actually bought this book for my mom for Christmas, but I got bored on our drive down to Arizona so I unwrapped it and read it from Great Falls to around Salt Lake, where I finished it. To say it was a page-turner is an understatement. I didn’t want to stop driving at midnight because I wanted an excuse to keep reading. (And okay, you caught me: I read this in December, but it was late December and I’m just getting started on changing my life so give me a break on this one. Plus January’s not over so I still might find something else to read before the 31st.)

When I read, I’m not very picky. The way I judge a book to be good is basically if I don’t want to stab my eyeballs out while I’m reading it.

But the way I judge a book to be life-changing is if I can’t stop thinking about it for weeks, months, or even years after putting it down. (David Foster Wallace’s Consider the Lobster is one of these for me.) And in this way, My Story joins the ranks of the few.

My heart broke on nearly every page as I read about the horrors that poor girl suffered at the hand of two very evil people. It made me cry to think that such a thing could happen to innocent children, and it made me sick to think of it happening to my own child or nieces and nephews.

But as striking as her story was, the way it affected me most was this: Smart’s homeless captor discovered her after her mother gave him money on a street corner and later hired him to do some work around their house. Months later he broke into that same house and kidnapped her at knifepoint. So how can I ever feel good about helping people in need again? How do I judge when a person is legitimately needy or just trying to kidnap and rape my child? I already can’t pull over to help people stuck on the side of the road for fear of being killed; how can I do *anything* nice for *anyone* ever again? It made me lose faith in humanity, in other words.

Unfortunately I don’t think that’s the message Smart meant to convey, as she ended it on the very positive note of how far she’s come and how she will never give another moment of her life to that man by wallowing in self-pity. If I ever get a chance to meet her I would like to ask her about my question and see if she can help me come to terms with it.

At any rate, I think about it all the time in the weeks since reading it, and I have a feeling the words will never fully leave me.

Another high recommendation from me.

 

 

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On Snow

We just got back from a glorious two weeks in Arizona.

First Christmas with Hutchy
First Christmas with Hutchy

I love spending Christmas with my family. When Kyle and I first got married we thought our system would be to alternate between spending Christmas in Arizona with my people and Alberta with his. After one year of not being at home (my home) for Christmas, I decided that that was a stupid idea: we spend 11 months of the year in Canada every year, and we shouldn’t have to share Christmas too. Kyle didn’t argue—he loves Christmas in Arizona—so it was settled.

After that, the notion was tucked neatly away into the recesses of our minds and we’ve spent every Christmas in Arizona since.

It’s ironic, really, because as a kid I used to fantasize about white snowy Christmases, the kind you see in movies throughout November and December. I hated that Arizona was so bland and boring and un-wintery. Wouldn’t it be fun to go ice skating and wear mittens and drink hot cocoa? I would love to try sledding and snowshoeing and sleigh riding and wearing earmuffs. What would it be like to build snowmen and make snow angels and snow forts and feel cold? 

I’ll tell you what it’s like: IT’S WRETCHED.

A lot of people can’t fathom Christmas without snow, and although it seems pretty cozy on Christmas morning while you’re warm in your fuzzy socks and PJs with the white stuff out the window, the fact remains that it’s a miracle if you even make it to December 25th in a snowy place without losing your freaking mind. Running around like a crazy person with baking to do, presents to buy or make, and Costco crowds to fight is bad enough when the roads are bare and dry…but add slick and slippery streets to the mix and it’s enough to send anyone to the madhouse. You have to drive well under the speed limit everywhere you go to avoid disasters, and consequently arrive late everywhere you go. You have to slow down MILES ahead of a stop light so you don’t rear-end the car in front of you, or worse, slide through the intersection and get T-boned by traffic going the other way. You have to wear tons of layers to keep warm from the car to the store but then immediately swelter once you get inside either. You lose your mittens and freeze your hands. You slip on ice in a busy parking lot and almost get run down by cars who also slip while they’re trying to stop from hitting you. You track sludgy snowy slush into every room in your house unless you take your boots off every time you go inside, which makes unloading a truck full of groceries a real delight. And you probably deal with all of these miseries with a wicked runny nose, because the cold has a tendency to do that.

Yet through it all, there’s at least the joy of Christmas hanging in the future to look forward to. It makes everything worth it, at least a little.

But once the holidays are over the gloom really begins, because there’s nothing cheerful to inspire you anymore when you live in a snowy place.

After Christmas the only thing we snow people have to keep us going is the anticipation of that mid-February tropical cruise we’re taking to escape the drudgery…that is, if we’re taking any such cruise.

Which sadly I am not.

And which leaves but one solution: flip Canada the bird and power pop the Vitamin D until May rolls around.

Posted in Canada, snow, the great state of AZ | 2 Comments

On Mothering

One thing nobody told me about motherhood was how it feels to be the best—and basically only—thing in someone’s life.

IMG_3525

When I walk into the room my son’s face lights up. When he wakes up and I peek over the edge of his crib to say good morning, his somber expression melts into the sweetest smile on Earth. It’s like before, he’s just thinking about the blank wall, or Sophie the Giraffe, or his wet diaper, but as soon as he sees my face he thinks, “There’s that lady who sings to me and reads to me and gives me warm baths and keeps my belly full! I like that face!”

I don’t even have to smile at him before he’s grinning his gummy grin.

It’s amazing.

And when I lay down next to him, as I sometimes do when I feel I deserve an extra special treat, he turns his fuzzy smell-good head back and forth like a dog trying to find just the right spot to get comfortable, which spot is inevitably the one where he’s turned toward my face, nose pressed up against mine, breathing the same air as me. And we look into each others’ eyes and it’s like there was never a time before we were that way.

I realize it sounds like I’m writing a love letter to my boy, and that this could be kind of creepy in some sort of reverse-oedipal way, but I can’t deny that I have a little bit of a crush on him.

Hutch Half Grinning

It’s impossible not to, with the way he carries on as if I’m literally the best thing that ever happened to him.

Before I got pregnant I worried about motherhood—about the sacrifices I would have to make to take 100% care of a tiny helpless dependent creature whose life rested almost solely in my hands. I worried about the strain that new level of responsibility would place on me.

But in these last four months I have learned that, while my worries were certainly valid, in the end they were all for naught. Sometimes I feel like caring for Hutch is difficult, I won’t say I don’t. But now that I’m in it, I don’t find the weight of that responsibility crushing like I thought I would (and indeed like I did at first).

I know that I won’t always be the main thing in my boy’s life. And I understand that—it wouldn’t be healthy if I was. He will grow up, sooner than I can even imagine, and before long he will care about so many things: school, sports, music, girls (hopefully not for a long long time), books, bugs, snow angels, block towers, giant cheese pizzas. I know in time I will be only one of many things that he loves. And even though I know that’s the way it has to be, it also makes me a little sad.

So for now I embrace it. I soak it in. I let the floors go unswept, the laundry go unfolded, the pins go unpinned.

Not a day goes by that I don’t look at his sweet face and see how much he loves me. I am the main person in his life, and for now the main person that he loves.

And I love him for it. Forever.

 

Posted in awesome., change, hutchface, motherhood, self-actualisation, what I'm about | 5 Comments

On Hutch at Three Months

Hutch 3 MonthsI won the baby lottery.

If babies could be bought at stores, Hutch would be the deluxe model, custom-made to fit perfectly into our lives. He cries, I’m not going to lie and say he doesn’t, but he has conveniently fine-tuned his cries so that I can usually tell what it is he’s crying about. He has one cry for being hungry, one cry for being tired, and one cry for being scared, so that whenever he does cry I can usually identify and solve his problems within a minute or two. He travels like a pro; he takes a soother like he was born to suck, and for a while there he only pooped about once a week. (That number has since increased to once daily, but how can I fault him for getting his digestive system up to par?) And the icing on the baby cake? Last night he slept for 8 hours straight. 8 HOURS STRAIGHT.

He is generous with his grins, and they are infectious. We have smiling contests all the time; he wins more often than not. His toothless grin and sparkly eyes are more than I can handle sometimes, in a good way.

At three months old he’s getting pretty good at holding up his head—still not quite enough to sit up the Bumbo on his own, but enough now to hang out in the ErgoBaby carrier and actually like it. He loves—LOVES—his baths, except for when he has to get out, but who can blame him? That’s always the worst part of bathing and he’s just a baby—he doesn’t know yet that sometimes you have to do the hard things in life like get out of the warm water.

He doesn’t care for tummy time, and I hate to hear him sound uncomfortable so I don’t make him do it very much. I worry I might be stunting his development. But then again I worry about everything. I just read him extra stories to make up for it.

Hutch Trying to Chew His Hand

He has discovered his hands. Sometimes I catch him arm outstretched, just staring at his hand like he can’t quite believe it’s part of him. It’s funny: I have a vivid memory of discovering my own self-awareness while looking at my hand as a child. It was very zen, almost an out-of-body experience. I’m sure it must be strange for him, having all these flailing appendages he wants so desperately to control but can’t quite manage to. Every now and then he works his hands up to his mouth and sucks violently on his knuckles, sometimes even on his thumb, but the joy is short-lived before he jerks them away almost certainly against his will.

He thinks blowing raspberries is the funniest noise ever. He doesn’t laugh quite yet, but he grins and gasps and you can just tell he thinks it’s hilarious.

Hutch Sucking His Bottom Lip

He sucks on his bottom lip like it’s going out of style. His facial expressions range from suspicious to wondrous to exuberant and everything in between. Sometimes when he’s laying down he lifts his legs up and touches his toes together like he’s devising some crafty plan to take over the world, monkey-style.

Hutch's Monkey Feet

He babbles all the time, and sometimes if the conditions are just right—he has to be tired and swaddled and full of milk and sucking on a soother—he will talk back directly to me if I talk to him. We have full conversations even.

He watches my every move. When he’s sitting in his little baby chair while I make dinner in the kitchen, I feel his eyes on me. He follows me around the room. I am aware now more than ever that I need to be on my best behaviour.

How can I express the level of love I feel for this sweet boy? It’s difficult to convey. Every day I get to hold him, nuzzle him, cuddle his sweet cheeks, and I feel like I’m in a dream.

Posted in hutchface, kid stuffs | Tagged | 7 Comments

On Losing

Hutchface

I think it’s because I have so much that I worry constantly about losing it all.

I think of the saying that goes, “God doesn’t give you trials that you can’t handle” and I wonder if that means I’m just super weak or that someday the sh*t’s gonna hit the proverbial fan, that my number will be called and I will lose everything like Job. Because my life right now is pretty amazing, and not a day goes by that I don’t acknowledge all that I have. Look at me: I have the sweetest baby on earth who is healthy and thriving and who smiles at me all day long and who only cries when he’s hungry and sometimes just a little bit when he’s tired, and who actually sleeps pretty well all things considered. I have a husband who is so supportive of my endeavours, who changes diapers when he’s home from work, who is legendary in his love of and care for our son, who loves me with a great deal of his heart (the part of his heart that’s left after he allocates his love for Hutchy and Apple products, in that order), and who works hard to keep food on our table. And about that table: I have one, and chairs around it, and yes, food on it, and I am so very very blessed.

Hutch and Kyle

I think of the reasons I can’t enjoy it. Why do I feel like at any given minute it might all come crashing down? I hold Hutchy and on the one hand I am euphoric, smelling his freshly washed neck and nuzzling his baby-chick head, and on the other hand I almost weep at the possibility of losing him.

Funny Hutchface

I read horribly sad blogs by people who have lost or are in the process of losing their babies to cancer or to whooping cough or to liver failure or to a slice of apple, and I feel their sorrow like it is my own—because it could be. At any moment.

I lay in bed wide awake with Poor Kyle on one side of me and Baby Hutch on the other in his bassinet, both of them snoring so sweetly and I can’t enjoy it, not any of it, for the fear of falling asleep and Hutch maybe dying, or for the fear of Poor Kyle getting in a wreck on his way to work tomorrow and dying, or various other morbid and sad, sad endings to our stories.

I worry more: is all my worrying postpartum depression? I worry that it’s all in my head and that that’s actually the problem: would I even feel this sad if I had never heard of postpartum depression? Which came first, postpartum depression or postpartum depression awareness?

I worry about not worrying; that maybe in some twisted way my worrying about bad things happening is actually preventing them from happening, and that if I let my guard down I will somehow be welcoming disaster. I think how worrying really is the best solution: how if nothing bad ever happens then I will be relieved, and how if something bad actually does happen I will be able to say I just knew it was coming.

I cry a little bit.

And finally I drift to sleep, one hand holding Kyle’s, the other draped over my son’s gently lifting stomach, his steady rhythmic movement reassuring me that at least for now I haven’t lost my precious boy.

Sleeping Hutch

I bargain with God: I’ll do anything—everything You ask—if You will just not take them from me.

Please.

Posted in hutchface, introspection, Poor Kyle, woe is me | 4 Comments