So how was all ya’ll’s Halloween? Did you get a visit from The Gimme Kid?
What? You’ve never heard of The Gimme Kid? Oh, I’m sure you have—you just didn’t know that was his name.
This is just one of many possible depictions of The Gimme Kid.
The Gimme Kid comes in all shapes and sizes, which makes it difficult to recognise him at first glance. It could be anyone’s kid—it could be your kid (*shudder*). It’s hard to pinpoint who he is simply by looking, but unfortunately, there’s no mistaking him once he opens his grubby grubby little mouth. He says obnoxious things like, “GIMME!” and “NOM NOM NOM CANDY!”
I hate The Gimme Kid. I hate ingrates, and The Gimme Kid’s most striking feature is his ungratefulness. He pounds on the front door instead of ringing the bell politely, and instead of saying “Trick or Treat” like he’s supposed to, he just stands there waiting for his handout. I hate when kids don’t even say “Trick or Treat.” I mean, the candy’s already free—can’t you say three little words to make the mooching official? How hard is that?
The Gimme Kid’s newest favourite Halloween tradition is the Trunk or Treat.
Oh, the Trunk or Treat—how I loathe your existence. When I was a kid, Halloween was something noble—I spent hours and hours cavorting through the streets of my neighborhood, RUNNING [not walking] from house to house, trying to hit as many jackpots as possible. It was hard WORK. My sister and I thought we were brilliant and lucky the year my mom agreed to actually drive us across town so we could finally see what it was like in the neighborhoods full of big houses {it was amazing}. By the end of the night on Halloween, we were too exhausted to do anything but lay limp on the living room floor and separate our candy into piles and sub-piles. We even had to pay the Parent Tax on all our earnings, because without them, we wouldn’t have had costumes in the first place. It was work, I tell you.
Halloween used to be a noble cause, but these days, kids go down to the local church parking lot and saunter gaily from trunk to trunk, open their pillowcases and wait for their windfall. They fill up half their bag without even breaking a sweat. Trunk or Treats are destroying the work ethic of the future (right, like Halloween was teaching such good lessons in the first place, but you catch my drift).
Although I’ve never lowered myself to attending such a hoax as a local Trunk or Treat, I can only imagine The Gimme Kid’s little under-exercised heart palpitating at such an easy acquisition of free candy. Little bastard probably doubles up and makes the rounds twice.
Man, I really hate that kid.
Anyway, this year Poor Kyle and I gave out full sized candy bars from Costco because we wanted to be the awesomest house, which, in my day, we totally would’ve been. But in this day and age, only one or two kids exclaimed our awesomeness—most of them stared blankly ahead, seeing nothing, wishing they could be back at home in front of the Cartoon freaking Network.
Not only did we not get proclaimed “Awesome!” as much as we were hoping, but half of the kids barely even mumbled out a “Thank You” for the full-sized candy bars. Perhaps they were disappointed we weren’t a KING-sized candy bar house. Perhaps they just don’t know how to verbally communicate now that they all have cell phones with texting capabilities. Perhaps we should’ve set up a keypad next to our doorbell so they could’ve texted us “trk r trt” and “THX” and been on their way. Maybe we’ll change a lot of things next year…maybe we’ll just go out of town.
Halloween used to be my favourite holiday, better than Christmas, even. I don’t know if it’s because I’m away from home, or because of the vast increase in population of The Gimme Kids in general, or perhaps just the fact that I’m not the one getting the free handouts anymore…but I’m totally switching my loyalties over to Veteran’s Day.
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