I just got back from seeing Transformers 2, which may as well be the same thing as me saying I just got back from getting all four wisdom teeth re-pulled.
Don’t spend the money. Don’t even spend the free movie passes that Great Aunt Henrietta gave you for your birthday last year, even if they are about to expire and nothing else looks good to you—anything would be better.
It’s very rare occasion for me to dislike a movie. I’m quite easy to please, really. I’m not picky. I like all kinds of movies—happy, sad, romance, mystery, scary, drama, whatev. I liked Iron Man. I like Spiderman. I liked other action-packed flicks. Shoot, I even liked the first Transformers. But I did not like this one.
First of all, it’s rated PG in Canada (PG-13 in the United States, which I think is much more appropriate), but there were several parts where I actually felt a teensy bit uncomfortable because of crudeness. I will warn you right now: if you see this movie, you will see a bum (and frontal) shot of a man in a thong. So there you go.
Second, it was seriously lacking in dialogue. After we left the theatre, I leaned over to Poor Kyle and said, “I’m pretty sure that out of that two-and-a-half-hour movie, the actual spoken lines could be summed up in ten minutes.” He agreed, and not just because he was hoping for a little some’n some’n later tonight. I know, I know, it was an action movie. But would it kill them to write words, too?
Third, about that action (no, not Poor Kyle’s—the movie’s!): There was a lot of it. And those transformers, they come with all kinds of tiny mechanised pieces, and it was really hard for me to keep track of who was transforming into what while simultaneaously pummeling which transformer (who was also morphing at the same time). Nearly every scene, from beginning to end, consisted of something being blown or crushed to bits and pieces. After an hour, I was looking at the clock on my phone and thinking, “Is this seriously not even halfway over yet?”
Its only redeeming qualities were Dwight Schrute (brief role, though, folks—don’t get too excited) and the one soldier with alarmingly white teeth:
Those brilliant white teeth of his were amazing to watch. Image from here.
Since the movie was so overly filled with ridiculously booming action that made no sense to me, I was, of course, tremendously bored. I kept myself occupied by trying to figure out why I recognised this actor:
Image from here.
I’m ashamed to admit that it took me almost ten minutes to figure out it was Tad Hamilton. What kind of person forgets the main actor from such a profoundly life-changing movie? Not only do I quote Win a Date With Tad Hamilton on a near-daily basis, but I actually incorporate those lines into my normal life. “Similes! Bring me similes!”
The best part of me leaving the house to see the movie was that I got to see a trailer for the next Harry Potter, and I just pretended I was watching that for the duration of Transformers, instead of the reality.
My Vote: All Thumbs Down.
Did you see it? Am I right in my assessment, or did you like it? If so…what am I missing?
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